Wherever You Go….

“Wherever you go, there you are He is.…” – Confucius King David

On December 2^nd, 2022, we buried my paternal grandmother. I never knew her, so I didn’t know how to feel about her passing. I knew I should empathize with my father and the family, but I never knew them either.

Instead, when my dad and uncle called to tell me the news, I cried, but not for the reasons people typically cry at news of someone passing. I cried because my father and uncle offered me an apology for abandoning me and made yet another promise to rectify it and unite the family. I cried because despite my attempts to be detached, I still hoped that the promise would be fulfilled – and I hated that about myself. I hated feeling hopeful because I hated the disappointment that typically followed.

Even so, when he asked me to come to my grandmother’s funeral – though I had no memories of her – I said “yes”. Even though, I had faith the size of a mustard seed, I said “yes”. Even though, I was afraid that it would be a logistical nightmare to travel alone with a one year old, I said “yes”.

I arrived in Chicago the morning of the funeral, rented a car, and made my way.

As I got closer to the church, a familiar feeling started to well up in my throat and weigh on my chest. I was anxious. I thought:

“I don’t remember what he looks like…It’s been a few years.” “Will I recognize him? Will he recognize me?” “Will they like me? Will they accept me?” “Is it safe?” “What’s my exit plan?”

I felt beside myself – self-conscious even. Amid my busy thoughts, I felt Holy Spirit impress upon me to turn from the radio to the praise and rhythm playlist on Spotify. Some of my favorite songs came on and I instantly began to relax.

When I came to my senses, I started to feel comfort in knowing who I was and knowing that I was loved. I was not going to the funeral to seek acceptance, nor did I need it. I was going to pursue an opportunity to begin to connect. It was not make or break, but a baby step.

As I arrived to this revelation, a song I hadn’t heard before came on called “New Day” by Blanca and Jekalyn Carr. I continued to drive and listen to the lyrics of the song. Driving through the neighborhood where I used to live brought up a lot for me and reminded me of some dark times, but it also felt different. As I looked around at the new businesses, schools, and development, I realized this is a new day.

I’m not where I used to be. The Lord has brought me rest on all sides. In fact, He rescued me. When I considered what could’ve been the alternative, I praise God for setting me aside for a different purpose – for sparing me from what could’ve, otherwise, been an exponentially more difficult journey.

I began to sing along with the song:

I’m done with feeling low

Don’t take it personal

This life’s a miracle (yeah, yeah)

So I look up, with my chin up

No need to settle, I’m on another level

‘Cause when it’s smooth or it’s rough

I know You fill up my cup

You give me more than enough

Aye-ya-ya-ya-yeah

So now I’m turning the page

Don’t see no other way

Ain’t nothing else I could say

WAKE UP, IT’S A NEW DAY

WAKE UP, IT’S A NEW DAY

SUN SHINING ON YOUR FACE

WAKE UP, IT’S A NEW DAY

(New Day, Genius)

When I came back home, I told my husband about it and did my best to process what the Lord taught me through the trip. I told him, “He reminded me that no matter where I am in the world, I can be myself because He is there with me.” There is a different level of comfort when you go somewhere with someone that you know loves you and has your back. It’ll boost your confidence.

Knowing that even when there is no other person with me, but the Lord is there is the biggest confidence boost there is. It means you can go anywhere and do anything. When you’re with Him, you are always covered.

This lived revelation is, to date, the best revelation I’ve ever received. I knew it in my head, but not in my heart. Now, I’m living it out every day.

We walk together. We talk together. We live together. In middle schooler terms, “We go together.” David puts it like this in Psalm 139:1-18:

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
² You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar.
³ You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.
⁴ Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
⁵ You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is high; I cannot attain it.

⁷ Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
⁹ If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”
¹² even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.

¹³ For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.^[a]
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
    I awake, and I am still with you.